I still remember the night i knew i would sooner or later loose him, i still remember it so ever clearly in my head. It keeps repeating, and the pain would rip me apart from the inside. I can't take the feeling anymore. The numb feeling in my chest i feel every morning i wake up too knowing i lost. Knowing i give up, but in this case i have to give up. because if i don't i'll be hurting him more. I remember the night when he said, he can't sleep thinking of it, he can't even stay still with all the problems playing in his head. And that if i love him, i have to let him go. On that second i knew i had lost. On that second i made my decision, i do love him. I have to let go, i would destroy my on life just to see him happy again. Just so he can sleep every night, just so i could see him smile, see him laugh.
I traded in my happiness for his pain. I was happy every time i knew im his. but what's the use to see him suffering when im happy? Now that he's happy, i don't think he realize what i did for him, just to see him happy again- i don't think he does. Not that im complaining, but i made this choice, i made this decision, i took this path, i'll deal with it. I have to live through it. Sometimes i just feel like shooting myself in the head, or knock myself out and hope for dementia. I don't want to forget but im forbidden to remember. And im not stealing lines from Twilight right here, but that is how it is. I don't want to forget, but i have too. I can't live like this anymore.
After what happened, i find myself forming weird habits. For instance i like my room bright now. How i would open the windows and let the light in, brightening up my room. How i don't like sitting in the dark because i would feel lost, feel alone. Like how i keep doing maths, because of the satisfaction of solving complicated questions, because i wish i could answer all the twisted questions marks lingering in my head. Like how i keep every thought to myself, afraid that i would say something out and ruin everything, like how i ruined our relationship. I'll rather live in pain to see people happy,- i am born that way- but how come people wont do the same to me? im not asking for it, i just wonder. Im shattered, i can't be fixed anymore, i don't think i can change. I don't think i could be the same anymore, the izati that likes her room dim, the izati that would hate doing her maths questions, the izati who was outspoken.
Sometimes i wish like i never had met him, not that i regretted meeting him. But this pain is growing everyday and i don't think i can hold this burden anymore. People say im strong- i remember the time that i was carrying the globe back to the office and Ma'am Irene came and said how i was strong that im carrying the world. and how Norisma saw me holding back my tears, knowing there's no use crying, when everyone else was. And she pointed out how she thinks i am a strong person in the inside.- Damnation. I am not anymore, i don't have hope, and i don't have the strength to hold on anymore. Mom told before, let go or you wont go nowhere. Like the concept giving and receiving, how can you receive if your hands are closed, if your hands are still holding on to something- refusing to give. I know he is a big part of me, but i have to try. Sensei's another person who thought something, he said never give up, keep trying and if you fail, try another way. Im taking my alternative root. It seems so impossible for me to let go, now i'll try to forget? impossibile? still, i have to try.
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