Letting go?

I can't talk about love here. Because i don't really know how to define it. It comes in very weird forms. There's adoration, admiration, lust, companionship, fondness and devotion. Crushes, funny that sometimes you like some one. Sometimes you just admire them, but sometimes you want them bad, as in that you want to commit for them. Crushes, funny that sometimes you don't even want to have a relationship with them, just so that you have some one you could go head over heels for. But.. BUT what if your ex is still your crush? what if you can't move on. You tried to love someone else, but it seems so fake. You tried hard to forget, but you can't, you don't want to. You tried your best to let go but it seems so impossible. You're not happy. and you're talking as the third person. Who am i kidding? I am not happy. But i can't force him to love me back, i can't. I won't. That's just silly. I might as well just wear a big yellow chicken costume and call myself Bigbird.

I didn't know why did i went to Queensbay Mall alone today. I took Rapid and went there. I walked alone. Went to the ATM and withdrew 50 bucks. When to look for make up, and i didn't even bother buying it. I was texting him, and he said he was in Qbay too. FCK, why the heck did i come here in the first place? Right, to get away from home. I find home so stressing nowadays. You stay there alone, you do nothing. Nothing to do, nothing to eat. And because i thought he was still in Kelantan and that i can avoid him safely? I promised i'll let go. I can't anymore, it keeps hurting. I feel so fabricated, i keep lying to myself that i could let go. I keep lying to myself that i could move on. I can't take it anymore, i must stop myself thinking. I walked to Rotiboy to treat myself something, i haven't even had breakfast, and it was 4pm. I felt so empty,- empty stomach, empty heart- i did not know why. So i keep on walking hoping for a change, for something new. Not hoping for love though, i'll be paying it with naivety anyways. Went in Jusco, checked out clothes. That distracted be a bit. But there was this motherfcking couple- all giggly and all smiles- walked pass me. That's when i decided to give in. If life wants to do this to me why not? so i decided to torture myself more and walked to the beach. Sat there alone and looked at other people having fun. Why do you need love? why? i lived without it before for 14 years, why can't i just let it go? But who am i kidding? I love him. He was the only person that i actually did love. Not a crush, not a yearning, not a fancy. I was scared to meet him, scared that it would hurt much more when i leave. I wont get him back, not a hope. never was.



I want him back.