April 1, 2012

Talks big.

Hello lifeless humans who enjoys wasting your precious time reading my useless and tedious blogposts. Yes, i know it's been a while since the last post (which was very short). Are you people doing well?
So yes, I've noticed i didn't really updated on my results.
Yeah yeah, i know it's like super late.
This story should even qualify as a cerita nenek moyang by now since everyone prolly updated about this after getting their results but i was busy refreshing the stupid internet, so yeah.

Alhamdulillah, I got 7A's.
And to be honest, i didn't really feel nervous at that time, or scared or anything.
Just numb. Everything went fast.
Well except the two hour wait, which i wasn't surprised.

The night before the only thing i could think of was, "Oh god, what the hell am i supposed to wear?" out of all things.
Waking up in the morning like every other day, like i mentioned, i felt numb.
Not that disturbing numb feeling that you get waking up after a long night crying.
Just numb. The whole world was a blur, all my senses were half awake and the only thing i could think about was sleep.
It wasn't that i was nervous to get my results on that day, i just felt lazy which is normal since school ended and i stopped working.
At school I was even lightening every single nervous person's mood, joking and all. I wasn't worried. Ma wasn't worried.

Maybe just right after they finished announcing the straight A's students, a wave of emotion hit me. Like crashing waves by the shore. Like the dust of clouds that rises as a building collapses.
And there was only two person in my mind that i could think of- Ma and Abah.
My chest felt heavy and there was a lump in my throat.
Before i knew it, a small sob came out of me.
And before i realised, my feet started to move by themselves to find ma.
Like an involuntary action, i hugged her and started crying with my face buried on her shoulders.
And the only thing i could think of that time was, "Oh god, i'm so pathetic. I couldn't even make Ma happy. And now i'm ruining her shirt."
And when i got my exam slip the only thing i could think was, "Oh god, Izati. You so pathetic, you can't even score a B for Addmaths? and you can't even score an A in physics. You suck."

Yeah, i was pretty hard on myself. But after watching several people crying and laughing, and crying and sobbing, and crying and cursing, and screaming and laughing, and laughing and hugging (well yeah you get me) i had this mixture of feeling that i can't really tell if i was feeling a little sad or kind of thankful.
I am grateful tho. Alhamdulillah i got 7A's. Praise Allah.

I don't really remember how the day went after that really.
So yes, now all i have to do is pray extra hard that i'll get a place for myself in a course that i would want.

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